


The Art of Letting Go

by Cin (Ayai)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cancer, F/M, Sadstuck, ooc moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayai/pseuds/Cin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat doesn't know if he can let her go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Stop here.  
> Go to youtube.  
> Search "What Sarah Said"  
> You may begin reading.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CG: HEY.

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CG: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO.

GC: SORRY, 1M RUNN1NG 4 B1T L4T3. 1LL BE TH3R3 SOON.

CG: YOUR RESPRITEBLOCK IS RIGHT NEXT TO MINE. IT REALLY SHOULDN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO GET OVER HERE.

GC: W3LL, 1TS NOT MY F4ULT I OV3RSL3PT, D4V3 4ND 1 W3R3 UP L4T3 L4ST N1GHT WORK1NG W1TH TH3 M4YOR ON C4N TOWN.

CG: DO YOU EVER DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN TALK ABOUT THAT ASSHAT?

GC: Y3S.

CG: LIKE?

GC: 1 T4LK 4BOUT TH4T B4ST4RD L3MONSNOUT.

CG: HE’S A FUCKING STUFFED DINOSAUR.

GC: H3S 4 DR4GON, MR GRUMPY HORNS.

CG: DON’T TALK ABOUT MY DAMN HORNS. BEST HORNS YOU’VE EVER SEEN.

GC: 1M BL1ND.

CG: SMELLED.

GC: 1 H4V3 TO 4DM1T, TH3Y T4ST3 PR3TTY N1CE FOR SUCH NUBBY HORNS.

GC: <3

CG: SHUT UP.

CG: UGH.

CG: <3

CG: STOP DOING THAT.

GC: DO1NG WH4T?

CG: THAT THING WHERE YOU INSULT ME THEN TRY AND GET OUT OF IT BY PUTTING A SHITTY HUMAN VASCULAR PUMP AFTER IT.

GC: 1TS C4LL3D 4 H34RT. 1T SHOWS YOU C4R3 4BOUT SOM3ON3. W3 H4V3 TH3M TOO, YOU KNOW.

CG: IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING.

GC: WH4T, YOU DON’T L1K3 1T WH3N 1 SHOW HOW MUCH 1 P1TY YOU?

GC: K4RKAT, WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1TS P1TY?

CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?

GC: WHY DO M4T3SPR1T3S P1TY? WHY C4NT W3 LOV3?

CG: BECAUSE WE AREN’T HUMAN. HANGING AROUND THEM ALL THE TIME IS FUCKING WITH YOUR ALREADY SCREWED UP THINKPAN.

GC: TH3 SUFF3R3R 4ND TH3 D1SC1PL3S R3L4T1ONSH1P W4S S41D TO TR4NSC3ND TH3 FOUR QU4DR3NTS. TH3Y LOV3D 34CH OTH3R.

CG: OR THEY JUST HATED THE OTHER SO MUCH IT COULDN’T BE BLACK.

GC: YOU KNOW 1 R34LLY DOUBT TH4T.

GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1LL B3 4BL3 TO M4K3 OUR D4T3.

CG: MOVIE SESSION. NOT DATE. SESSION.

CG: AND WHY THE HELL NOT?

GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R. 1M JUST SO T1R3D! 1 D1DNT SL33P MUCH B3FORE, BUT NOW 1 SL33P A LOT!

CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT. YOU SAID YOU’D WATCH SOMETHING WITH ME IF I LET YOU FUCKING DRAW ON ME. AND EVEN AFTER I SAID NO YOU DID IT ANYWAYS! SO YOU OWE ME, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE.

GC: B GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGF DUXRXDR6YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CG: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

CG: TEREZI.

CG: RESPOND WHEN YOUR LEADER ASKS YOU SOMETHING, DAMMIT.

CG: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR THE FUCKING DINGS.

CG: STOP TRYING TO WEASEL YOUR WAY OUT OF OUR MOVIE SESSION.

CG: PRETENDING LIKE YOU’VE FALLEN ASLEEP IS A SHITTY WAY OF AVOIDING SOMETHING.

CG: HEY.

CG: FUCK YOU, TEREZI.

CG: AM I GOING TO HAVE TO DRAG YOU HERE?

CG: …

CG: SEEMS LIKE IT.

CG: PREPARE YOURSELF, PYROPE. YOU’VE JUST EARNED YOURSELF TWO MORE MOVIES PLUS A DANE COOK SPECIAL.

CG: YOU’RE JUST DIGGING YOURSELF A DEEPER HOLE.

CG: I’M ON THE WAY, ASSHOLE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

.:.:.:.

“Karkat, please calm down.”

“ _How the fuck am I supposed to calm down_?”

Kanaya glared at the raging troll in the middle of the room. Karkat was pacing up a storm, swearing and ranting with each step, drawing Kanaya’s concentration away from where it needed to be at the moment.

Karkat had entered Terezi’s respriteblock only to find her sprawled out on the floor, her glasses knocked haphazardly to the side. She appeared to be sleeping, but her face was contorted in pain, with beads of teal running down her face. Karkat had cautiously places a hand to her forehead, only to find it unnaturally warm, while her fingers were freezing.

It was understandable why Karkat flipped the fuck out and called Kanaya—the only troll on the meteor who had any kind of healing knowledge at all—to come and fix whatever the hell was wrong with his matesprit.

It was completely out of character for Terezi to miss a chance to bother Karkat in exchange for sleeping. It was also out of character for Terezi to SLEEP. Karkat was well aware that Terezi was plagued by nightmares every time she closed her eyes, resulting in her avoiding sleep whenever possible and whenever she would wake up from a particularly vicious nightmare she’d scout for Karkat to try and forget about it.

Karkat snapped at Kanaya once more, his patience worn thin already, “Holy fuck, why are you taking so long?”

Kanaya glanced up from where she was kneeling on the ground, giving Terezi a basic examination. Her gaze flickered to Dave and Rose, who had accompanied her, and motioned for them to take care of Karkat. Take care of meaning get him the fuck out.

Karkat did not take lightly to being kicked out of the room, and insisted on putting up a fight, only getting so far. He was able to get Dave’s cape in his grip, and he began tugging and wrapping it around him when Dave attempted to drag him to the transportalizer. With Karkat busy with keeping Dave immobile, Rose was able to wrap her arms under Karkat’s and drag them both onto the pad, and with a flash they were gone, leaving just Kanaya and Terezi alone.

.:.:.:.

It had seemed like hours had passed before Kanaya appeared back in the lab, when in all actuality it was probably only… a few hours.

Karkat had sprung up from his husktop, where he had been arguing with his past self only moments before; still agitated that Kanaya threw him out of HIS matesprit’s room. She was NOT the leader, and Karkat would not put up with this shit.

Before Karkat could barrage her with anger driven questions, Kanaya attempted to speak, “ I apologize for the wait, I had to obtain a few new medical instruments to thoroughly examine Terezi, which involved quite a bit of extensive research—“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Karkat interrupted, rolling his eyes at his friend, “So what the fuck’s wrong with her? Is it all that damn chalk she’s been eating? With my luck it’ll be some kind of poison shit and she’d going to go postal and we’re going to repeat a point in time that has already passed with a different person and less victims. How many times have I fucking told her to stop licking everything? She probably licked something toxic and look where it got her.”

Karkat continued his ramblings, completely unaware that Kanaya was waiting for him to shut the hell up, “Knowing her she probably though it was a good idea to go and just start licking things with radioactive symbols on them, because I bet they taste delicious!” he rolled his eyes. “So is she fucking sick or fucking poisoned? Well, I guess they’re basically the same—“

It was Kanaya’s turn to interrupt, “Yes, Karkat. She’s fucking sick. She’s _really fucking sick_.”

.:.:.:.

Terezi’s illness was unfortunately no form of chalk poisoning.

Kanaya estimated she had about three months if they couldn’t find a cure.

.:.:.:.

Month One

Terezi was losing weight, Karkat could easily tell.

Her cheeks had sunken slightly, not too much, but enough for it to be noticeable. Her fingers became thinner, more brittle appearing.

It was because Terezi refused to eat at most times. She claimed she had no appetite and would only eat of Karkat literally sat on top her of and shoved the food in her mouth. She would become angry with him afterwards, but if it kept her from starving to death Karkat could deal with the pain of her glares.

Karkat was able to get enough food into Terezi, but the female was not able to keep most of it down, resulting in an empty stomach and a mess to be cleaned up. He didn’t really mind, of course, but the whole situation was getting kind of repetitive.

Kanaya was researching with the help of Rose, while it was Dave and Karkat’s job to keep Terezi’s spirits up, as a sick Terezi could easily become a depressed Terezi, which it was common knowledge was not a good way to heal.

Thankfully Terezi was a happy troll in general, so Karkat and Dave were not required to do much, and usually only ended up getting into fights when they were in her room together.

After a small strife one day, leaving Dave and Karkat bruised and Terezi asleep, Dave noticed something.

“Dude, what’s that on her arm?”

Karkat narrowed his eyes and looked at the spot Dave was pointing out, angrily knocking his hand out of the way to get a better look.

On top of the fair gray skin, there was a yellow splotch. Karkat frowned, and lifted Terezi’s arm from the bed, careful to not disturb her from her sleep, as lately it had been hard to come by. She was suffering from constant stomach pains that made it hard for her to relax in any way shape or form. He rubbed at it slightly, sighing when it didn’t smear off.

He gripped her cool hand in his, his hand now appearing much larger then hers. It was hard to remember that barely three weeks ago she was up and running around like normal, smiling that mouth full of knives, drawing on every plain surface in sight—well, scent— and being the active troll she had always been, now bedridden and hurting.

While Terezi wasn’t sad, she wasn’t as happy as she usually was, Karkat couldn’t remember the last time he heard her cackling laugh and felt the need to turn around and walk in the opposite direction away from the psycho that was sure to track him down anyways.

Karkat chuckled a bit, his grip tightening. He missed how things were before, honestly. He’d rather have an annoyingly happy Terezi than a sickly hurt one.

He could only hope Kanaya found a cure soon, so things could return to the way they belonged.

.:.:.:.

Kanaya had sat Dave and Karkat down with her and Rose one day an explained the conclusion they came to about Terezi’s illness.

“We believe it is some form of what the human’s call ‘cancer’. From what Rose has told me and what I’ve researched it’s a deadly illness that could easily kill if not treated.” Kanaya spoke softly, holding one of Karkat’s (who was very confused) hands in one of her own.

The word ‘cancer’ shot blots of electricity up Karkat’s spine.

Rose continued for her, “Terezi is showing signs of pancreatic cancer, an incredibly aggressive cancer.”

Dave frowned, and Karkat continued begin confused, “Well, you assholes were researching this right? How do we treat it?”

Kanaya’s shoulders drooped slightly, “We don’t.”

.:.:.:.

Month Two

Kanaya and Rose had reimmersed themselves in research, each of them having a burst of hope and refusing to accept that there was no way to cure Terezi. They swore that they could be able to cure it by some means, and they wouldn’t give up until the last second.

Karkat was horrified that something he had a hand in creating was what was hurting Terezi, and to make up for it he spent every moment possible with her.

Her condition started to decline more rapidly. She lost more weight, more of her skin was turning a light shade of yellow, and her eyes appeared more orange then red. At this point in time her keeping down any sort of sustenance was a miracle in itself, as anything put in her mouth would usually end up coming right back up.

Karkat lay next to her, holding her while her head pounded and knives attacked her midsection. Her eyes were screwed shut in pain, and every now and then a single teal drop would slide down her cheek, only to be wiped away by Karkat’s thumb.

“Karkat,” she whispered, her voice strained and hoarse, “it hurts.”

Karkat felt a flash of pain in his chest, “I know. But you’re strong, and you can handle a little pain like this. You’ll feel better soon.” He sighed, “Our time on this meteor is almost over, we’ll be meeting up with Egbert and Jade soon, and maybe they’ll know what to do. So all you have to do is be strong until then.”

Terezi’s hands gripped Karkat’s shirt tighter, attempting to pull warmth from him. “I don’t want to die, Karkles. If I’m gone, what’ll happen to you?”

Karkat rolled his eyes, “Don’t know. Let’s not find out. If you die I’m going to be seriously pissed at you.” He ran his hands over her cold shoulders, trying to give her some heat from the friction.

She nodded against his chest, “I won’t let go. I’ll stay strong like your matesprit should be.”

.:.:.:.

“She’s getting worse, you haven’t found anything yet?”

“I’m not a doctor, Karkat. I only study human medicine, but I can only search so much before there’s a wall blocking my path.”

“What about Alternian medicine? Haven’t you found anything from Alternia that could help?”

“No, because on Alternia she would have been culled when she first got sick.”

“Fuck Kanaya, you said you’d find a cure!”

“You talk like I’m not trying! I’m exhausting myself trying to salvage what information I can; Rose and I are doing our best. We don’t want to see Terezi die either. She’s our friend, too.”

“You’re right, you’re right. Fuck, I’m sorry. It’s just… we’re running out of damn time.”

.:.:.:.

Month Three

Scars littered Terezi’s arms from her frequent scratching. Karkat would catch her scratching herself bloody at times, desperate to be rid of the constant itch.

Her mentality was beginning to be affected. Gone was the gleeful, flirty, and funny troll, replaced by a shell of her former self. It pained Karkat to see Terezi wither away, losing herself every day. The scalemates that once littered the floor were long gone, in their place monitors and discarded syringes that once contained something Kanaya had thought might help, but did nothing.

Terezi was tired. She was tired of the fighting of the illness. She was long done with the aches and the pain, she just wanted for all of it to be over. But she had made a promise to Karkat, and she couldn’t lie.

That just wasn’t how a Libra functions.

.:.:.:.

“I thought TZ had three months.”

“She can last for more then three months, asshole. She’s strong.”

“She doesn’t look strong.”

“Shut the fuck up, Strider. She’s strong enough to hold on.”

.:.:.:.

Month Five

“You’re doing great, Terezi. Remember; after you get better you still owe me a movie marathon. You can’t just skip out on a date like that. That shit was important.”

“Mm… Okay…”

.:.:.:.

“Karkat, she’s hurting.”

“She’s okay.”

“No, she’s not.”

“Yes she fucking is.”

“Karkat she’s in pain.” Kanaya emphasized, “Unimaginable amounts of pain. She should have been overcome by it months ago.”

“Just because you fuckers think she’s weak enough to give into a little sickness, you’re wrong. Terezi can hold on for months more.”

“The only reason she’s still here is because she’s fighting for you. You’re keeping her here. She’s in pain because she doesn’t want you to be sad.”

“That’s not—“

“She’s being torn apart from the inside out.”

“No—“

“You can’t be selfish anymore, Karkat.”

“ _Kanaya, please_ —“

“Let her go.”

“ _Please_ —“

“She deserves to be happy.”

 

.:.:.:.

Month Eight

A figure lay motionless in her bed, no longer moving. Half lidded eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling, the faint rise and fall of her chest and the heart monitor by her bed the only indication she was still living.

Karkat Vantas couldn’t breathe. The air would catch in his throat whenever he’d try to force it down, and he couldn’t stop the red tears from streaming down his face. His legs shook as he climbed into his matesprit’s bed, crawling up next to her and as gently as possible, taking her into his arms.

Such a frail body, Karkat was sure if he made one wrong move it would snap in half. Her lips were chapped and pale, the skin even more so. Her once bright red eyes appeared lifeless, though from the small blinks you could tell there was a light somewhere.

Her body shook even more than Karkat’s, her small limbs twitching, and her mouth opening a bit in what was sure to be a pained gesture, but she could force no sound out.

His tears dropped onto her face, sliding down her cheeks and onto the bed. He absorbed in the damage he had caused Terezi. She would not be in this situation in the first place if not for him, and she wouldn’t be this weak hurt mess in his arms if he was only strong enough to be able to let her go.

And it was time to do just that.

“Terezi,” he began, his voice shaking and cracking, his tears falling faster. How could he do this? How could he live without her?

“I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve done.”

He knew she could hear him, from the way her spasms were dying down, and her arm kept making jerky movements upward, as if she were trying to lift it but couldn’t find the strength. He stroked her cheek lightly, knowing if he pressed even a small bit harder he’d leave a yellow bruise.

A small flash lit up the room for a second, and Karkat could hear the five new additions, shuffling off the pad and to various locations in the room. Gamzee had finally come out of hiding and the Mayor had come to send his faithful helper off.

Karkat paid them no heed, his attention never leaving Terezi.

“I’ve caused you so much pain, even before this shit. I know you wanted to let go, and I didn’t let you. And I’m sorry. I just—“ Karkat had to stop to take a shuddering breath, and he saw what he thought had dried up two months ago, a teal tear drop out of one of the blank eyes. This just caused him to sob further. He was wasting time, every second he was wasting she was hurting more.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You were my sun, you kept me happy, and you made me feel sane, and safe. I don’t know what’s going to happen, Tez, but its okay. I can go at it alone now.

“I’m going to kill Jack, and we’re going to win the game all over again. We’ll make a new world, and we’ll all be okay. Wouldn’t you like that? We’d all be safe. And this is the first step to doing this.”

Karkat quickly swiped his sleeve over his face, leaning down and pressing his lips to Terezi’s cold ones. He could feel the traces of breath escaping them.

“I think it was love, Terezi. All this time it wasn’t pity I felt for you, and I know you didn’t pity me. It was love. Always love. And when you love someone, you know what you do?” he whispered, his hand brushing her hair softly. He wiped away another one of her tears and murmured for the whole room to hear.

“Let them go.”

And she was let go.

All traces of life escaped, her breath stopped and the sound of a flat lining monitor filled the room.

There wasn’t a single dry eye in the room, and though Karkat was sobbing, he knew one thing.

She was finally at peace.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I'm sorry.
> 
> While I did cry while writing this for various reasons, I'm disappointed that it didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to and here's why.
> 
> I wrote this right after I learned today that the dog I have owned since I was three has cancer. I grew up with this dog, and I can barely remember a time when he wasn't at my side. So basically I've been a depressed mes all day.
> 
> Right after I started this fic, after the first line exactly, my father informed me that we were going to have him put down on Saturday. Which is now today.
> 
> Today I'm going to lose one of my family members to cancer, and this is how I dealt with it. I wrote. I have been writing non stop since about 7 p.m, and right now it's 2 a.m. I swore to myself I wouldn't go to sleep until it was finished.
> 
> Well thank you for taking the time to read this.
> 
> And I didn't color te text because it's really late and I don't feel like it.
> 
> The same of the fic comes from a poem by the same name.
> 
> Sorry for this depressing ball of mess,
> 
> ~Ayai


End file.
